I don't think this will offend anyone-- I'm Irish, but not Catholic>
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'> > >> > > The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but > > > then I> > > Stopped.'> > >> > > The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. > > > You're not> > > To see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and > > > put $50> > > In the poor box.'> > >> > > The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked > > > over> > > To the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. > > > The> > > Priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw > > > that. You> > > Didn't put any money in the poor box!'> > >> > > The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and > > > according> > > To you, that's the same as putting it in!'> > > ----------------------- -----------------------------------------------------
Sorry Couple Days Late--- excuse me i'm Irish
A GUIDE FOR YOU FOR ST PATRICK'S DAY
IRISH BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
SYMPTOM CAUSE CORRECTIVE ACTION Feet cold and wet Glass Being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling Feet warm and wet Improper Bladder Control Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training Beer unusually pale and tasteless a. Glass empty.
b. You're holding a Coors Lite Get someone to buy you another beer Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights You have fallen over backward. Have yourself leashed to the bar Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes You have fallen forward See above Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror Floor Blurred You are looking through bottom of empty glass Get someone to buy you another beer Floor moving You are being carried out Find out if you are being taken to another bar Room seems unusually dark Bar has closed Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run. Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside Everyone looks up to you and smiles You are dancing on the table Fall on someone cushy-looking Beer is crystal-clear (my fav) It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up Punch him People are standing around urinals, talking You're NOT in the ladies' room Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers before exiting (optional) Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear You have been in a fight Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in You've wandered into the wrong party See if they have free beer Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk a. You're in jail
Pastors Sven & Ole
Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and
Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.
I saw them yesterday standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground,that reads:
"Da End iss Near! Turn Yourself Aroundt Now! Before It's Too Late!"
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and
yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash...
Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign shouldyust say
'Bridge Out'?"